You can't walk into a funeral laughing. You just don't do that.
There's no disrespect in the truth: The idea of a funeral being a performance is, for the most part, true (How many times do you hear people say "I'm so sorry for your loss"?). Although no one really knows how to act at a funeral, which is why it seems so scripted. Except for the immediate family/friends, people are sad but not sad enough. Because it's sort of like a double edged sword: You can't be more sad than the people who knew the deceased better than you, but you can't just act like it's ok. Most people really are sad when someone dies. It's not their feelings and intentions that are performed and forced, but their actions. People say "I'm so sorry for your loss" because they don't know what else is appropriate to say.
I've lost grandparents, and been to funerals where I couldn't hold it together, but I also remember one weird night when I was younger. My dad broke the news to me that my great uncle (whom I had never known particularly well) had passed away. Still--and I remember this exactly--my first thought was, immediately, "Cry." And then I sobbed. I didn't even really know him, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.
I think for most occasions where many people are coming together for an organized event, there's a certain air that's meant to be maintained. Maybe it's in the fact that it's organized, and therefore actions are organized, too. But who can argue that everyone at a wedding should be happy and celebrating? That funerals are for mourning and not cynicism, speeches are formal and attentive, and sporting events are loud and rowdy? No one wants to see someone angry and upset at a wedding, and no one wants to see a tuxedo at a football game.
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I share a similar story with a deceased uncle and my reaction was the same-- I cried. However, I do not believe that my reaction was due to extrinsic factors, like my aunt being deeply saddened, but rather an instrinsic feeling that I would no longer be able to see this person alive again. I do not think that there was pressure on me to cry because some people do not convey their grief with tears. And I certaintly do not believe that I cried because I wanted to put on a performance that even Goffman would approve of. I cried because I realized that my uncle was no longer on this earth, and that the last image I would have of him is his face done up with makeup and his body clad in his Sunday best suit, lying in a wooden coffin-- an image that did not represent who he was or what he had achieved in his life. I cried because I feared no one, including myself, would be able to hear the stories he had to share about his past expereiences and that is why I cried. Death is a sad time, but it is in no way a scripted thing, and it happens unexpectedly. Therefore, I believe that Goffman's view of a funeral as a performance is incorrect because there are multiple variables that he overlooks.
ReplyDelete*intrinsic not instrinsic
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