It wasn't long ago that I was a complete emotional roller coaster. But the second I got to college that seemed to come to an abrupt STOP. I used to overthink everything, work myself into a frenzy, cry ALL THE TIME, and was basically out of my mind with feelings. Maybe it was my psychologist mother, but I was almost a little bit too in tune with how I felt at all times.
Not that I don't still feel, but it just feels like I have it under control. And that scares the crap out of me.....because I don't know if this means I'm just a ticking bomb, or if things are actually fine.
Everyone goes through those periods where something reminds you of home and you go "Oh" and have a bit of nostalgia, maybe a sigh or two. But I have yet to really really miss home. Because if I'm completely honest with myseslf--What's left for me at home, besides my parents and friends, my dog, and my house? Nothing! My life is here! Everything back home has changed. My best friends are in college, too. I am no longer in high school and they've moved on as well. If I went home, what would I do?
Of course I miss my queen-sized bed, and bedroom that's twice the size of my forced-triple dorm. Of course I miss my puppy and Obi-Wan (He's my desktop computer with dual monitors- my laptop now is Ki-Adi-Mundi, my old laptop was Qui-Gon. He died.). I obviously miss my parents. But, I'm doing all right. It's not perfect, but I can figure it out.
I've always hated change, too. But something always told me that I was quite adaptable. I may not enjoy the changes that occur, but I can conform to them fairly gracefully. It's just a new routine to get used to.
The only thing that gets me is the complete lack of privacy now. While I love people, I also like my alone time. I feel like now, when I'm not in class, not eating, and not with people, then I'm doing work. So either I'm doing work or I'm with people. I'm never by myself just perusing online, or reading a book for pleasure. And that's something that's really weird. Everyone wants to be so social, and if you're not, then you feel out of the loop. So you try to be with people as much as possible and it's hard sometimes! Sometimes I really hate people!!
But other than that, I doing all right. And I hope it stays that way because I'd hate to lose it. I like having things under control.
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I really like what you had to say.
ReplyDeleteI miss the idea of home... but I dont miss being home. I reall only went home this weekend because I did not think anyone was going to be here and I wanted to drive my car.
I was legit homesick for the first two days of college, and since then I have gone five minutes here and five minutes there thinking about home but besides that have been completly okay with everything. I am not saying I used to be a worry-monster but I also feel alot more relaxed in college and feel like I have nothing to stress out about.
I'll make you a deal though, I am going to pretend that I am normal and that life is just finally making sense, will your do the same?
Exactly! Home just feels like a comfortable place to be, but it feels sort of empty and quiet...Like, being here in college is where I'm supposed to be right now, so why be upset that I'm not somewhere else?
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, it's a deal! We are normal and life is coming together! We're not just crazy.
Don't worry Allison, I feel your pain, or lack of it. I am really not homesick either. Then again, I do have a track record of not being homesick, so maybe I don't understand how weird it is for you. However, I too feel no need to go home too often. Since the friends are in school and being with your parents is just awkward after being on your own, I'd really only head back to Jersey for my boyfriend. Actually, I'd rather he come here so I can spend a whole day with him and not a couple hours worth some sum of money at the movies or whatever.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad I've found someone else who's not homesick. Really, I thought I was crazy. A lot of people here really miss their parents and want to go home more often, etc. I miss home for the food, not having to worry so much about money, and so on, but I'm completely happy being away from my parents. Maybe it's because I've come to see them as hovering psychos for the past couple of years.
I don't know about you, but I feel completely used to college life already. Dorm living, friends being right down the hall, crazy sleep patterns/ mealtimes, etc. I dont't appreciate how thin the walls are around here, or my limited alone time in my room, but it all seems totally natural for me already. Is it like that for you?
P.S.-The names you give your computers made me seriously laugh. I almost woke up Ana and Aline. I was never one to name my computers (they were always called "you damn piece of s***" or "Immakillu!"), but if I did I would totally name mine Obi too. Don't you just love Ewan McGregor? *sigh*